In leu of blogging this week, I’ve been helping my kids make their Halloween costumes and slicing up my typing fingers making apple pie for Byron’s birthday on Wednesday. Here’s my favorite Halloween type post from the archives. Enjoy and have a happy All Hallow’s Eve, Feast of All Saints and Feast of All Souls!
Halloween costume companies, this post is for you. Usually, I try to stay clear of all your over priced merchandise, but lately it seems you’re on a mission to drag my family into the moral vacuum of your wares.
It started in July, freaking July, when my kids should still be excited about boardwalk food, I get one of your glossy costume catalogs in the mail, and suddenly they’ve got blood lust for sacks of candy and $89 Fortune Teller costumes. How can you make clothes of the ragged and persecuted gypsy people so glamorous and so expensive??
And then, playing on every young girls love of fairies, you’ve made everything a fairy. Butterfly? Fairy. Lollipop? Fairy? Ladybug? Fairy. Autumn leaves, stained glass and a punk devil? You slapped wings on all these things and are trying to pass them off as fairies. Knock it the hell off. Andrew Lang is rolling over in his grave.
When a flyer arrived in my mail yesterday I was not totally surprised by all the sexy costumes it was peddling. Sexy witch, sexy pirate, sexy little red riding hood, etc. What gives me a stabbing pain right behind my eyeballs and makes me weep for our country is that you are now selling sexy versions of Hello Kitty, the Disney Princesses and Minions. Minions for crying out loud. Of all that is sweet and innocent, you are taking what should properly resemble a yellow capsule and making it sexy for women. Who is buying this??? Why are women not up in arms at being offered such hideous choices? Ladies, sweet merciful heavens, do not think you are being cute by dressing up and taking your kids trick or treating in this.
So when this is what is sold to the adult crowd, it shouldn’t surprise me that sexier costumes for teens and tweens are now trickling down. Just in case your daughter isn’t already growing up too fast, now you can fast track her towards a life of promiscuity by dressing her in such feminine costumes as Queen of Hearts, the Tin Man or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, none of which actually resemble said character except for the five inches of printed fabric between the chest and hip bones.
And what about my son, what are his options? Thankfully, you are not marketing a Magic Mike costume at my son. He has many superheros to choose from. He can also select a variety of costumes with a nightmare inducing potential of 98.9 percent. In fact, my son asks to have pages ripped from the costume catalogue because there is too much blood and gore for him. Surely you don’t need more than 60 outfits listed in your ‘Boys Horror Costumes’ section. Why are you trying to terrify the young children who will be out trick or treating and happen to gaze upon someone wearing your ‘Zombie Sock Monkey‘ costume? Will you tuck in that sobbing child at bedtime and reassure him that he will not be awoken by the sound of his stuffed monkey eating brains? No, that job will fall on me as will the task of persuading our family to avoid the monkey house on our next three outings to the zoo.
So knock it off costume companies! Our country’s IQ is lowered just a bit every time you release a new sexy costume. And families, please resist the glossy pages and the urgings of your children. Unless you find the thought of them looking like this in ten years encouraging.