Just yesterday I didn’t receive another email containing several questions pertaining to blogging. These non-existent emails didn’t contain questions like “How do I start a blog?”, “How do I grow my blog?”,  “How can I monetize my blog?”.

Well, today I thought I’d answer the tough questions no ones actually asked me and share all the ins and outs of blogging based on my years of experience running a successful blog with dozens upon dozen of followers. And Pinterest. I may base all my blogging decisions and life choices on pins from strangers.

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1. How do I start a blog?

First spend several months researching your niche market and developing your brand. What is your specialty? Practice writing several posts about it to develop your voice and invest in a really professional head shot and web design. Make sure you market test potential blog names and web addresses before launching your own self-hosted WordPress site managed by a digital assistance name Fajihalaheb from India. If you don’t take these steps, or understand words like “niche market”, “brand management” or “copyright infringement” I can’t help you.

2. How do I grow my blog?

First, always keep it real! People are coming to your blog to read about your life experiences, good and bad. Don’t be afraid to share the tough times, or a picture of dishes piling up in the sink. Be true to yourself and the mission of your blog! Then, spend all your free time stalking every blogger you can find in their combox, on Twitter, Facebook and by parking outside their house at night until they agree to let you guest post. These friendships and community will contribute to your fan base and help you grow exponentially! Understand that your relationships with your spouse and children will probably not help take your blog to the next level so explain in no uncertain terms that they’re either coming along for the ride with a smile on their face or you’ll leave them behind to make their own cold cereal for dinner. But seriously, who can’t smile for one more little picture for Mama’s blog right? I said SMILE! We’re all one. big. happy. family … and that sincerity will shine through and attract like-minded followers, you can be sure!

3. How can I monetize my blog?

Unless you get tons of traffic, ads probably aren’t the way to go. Thankfully there are lots of affiliate and sponsored post opportunities you can sign up for that only require a small commitment of time and your soul, while offering a profitable turn around that will cover your daily latte habit almost once. Usually you can slip a paid mention into your post with hardly anyone noticing. In fact, if you take up BlogHer on their face tattoo opportunities, your readers will eventually come to identify you with trusted brands they know and love without even thinking of it! Companies are desperately seeking real people, like you, to become brand representatives. Even if it doesn’t pay in cash, who wouldn’t love the opportunity to hock personalized harmonicas at state fairs and farms shows in exchange for a lifetime of free harmonicas!?

Some ideas Nabisco and I were recently tossing around.

4. What is SEO?

SEO stands for ‘Spicy Enchilada Overload’ and, although I don’t quite understand how it works, it’s responsible for sending all the best search engine traffic to your site. Every time you check your stats and see search terms like “nfp erotica”, “selfies in target dressing room”, and “elephant seal butt”, you can thank all the spicy enchiladas you’ll be eating. I recommend two or three servings a week for ultimate overload.

5. How important are the inclusion of photos?

Wow, you really need some basic help don’t you imaginary start-up blogger/ reader!? Yes pictures are important. So important that you might not want to risk using your own camera or family because they’re not good enough. There’s also a really slim chance that some weirdo you don’t know might view your children’s pictures online. And I mean people weirder than whomever the grandparents are sharing your pictures with. That’s why I usually rely on stock photos or stock children for my photos shoots. Ukrainian orphans are perfect for this task and can be shipped over and back easily. Note; their delicate digestive systems are not able to handle multiple servings of spicy enchiladas so this might affect the ability of your photos to show up in searches. I’ve read that “adding tags” is important so I usually initial each child with spray paint to assist Google.

Since I didn’t want to sit my own child this close to a wild animal, I was able to use a Ukrainian substitute. I rewarded both with spicy enchiladas, much to their dismay.

6. How can I make my posts go viral?

The best viral posts are those that are airborne, rather than those that rely on the transmission of bodily fluids. After posting, I try to inhale deeply around my computer then visit lots of public spaces (library, shopping mall, grocery store, etc.) and blow into the faces of anyone I encounter. This has helped generate local and national headlines for my blog, plus five nights, all expenses paid at the county detention center. And bonus, I got a great new headshot from booking perfect for the ‘About’ page!

I hope I answered all your questions and gave a true, insiders look into the nitty-gritty world of blogging! For more advice, and some good laughs, from less seasoned pros, you can check out my blogging board on Pinterest. Need a private, one-on-one consultation? Shoot me an email! I accept cash, personalized harmonicas and Nabisco crackers…unless you’re willing to get a facial tattoo, in which case, let’s talk, ASAP.

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Blogging Advice From A Name You Can Trust
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8 thoughts on “Blogging Advice From A Name You Can Trust

  • 09/16/2014 at 8:32 am
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    Best blogging advice ever! I have obviously been eating way too few spicy enchaladas. Must remedy this problem. I guess we have to go out to dinner tonight. Oh, darn.

    Reply
  • 09/16/2014 at 11:05 am
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    I’m definitely going to practice making my SEO go viral. I KNEW I was missing out on something! Genius!

    Reply
  • 09/16/2014 at 1:06 pm
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    The facial tattoo can count toward my midlife crisis tattoo next year.

    Reply
  • 09/16/2014 at 10:48 pm
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    So, if your own kids are Ukrainian, can you go ahead and use them? 🙂 I wish I still lived in Jersey- I’d love to be your BFF! 🙂

    Reply
  • 09/25/2014 at 11:29 pm
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    I laughed so hard I cried! I’ve heard of your blog before, but I think this is my first time reading. I’ll be back for more!

    Reply

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