In leu of blogging this week, I’ve been helping my kids make their Halloween costumes and slicing up my typing fingers making apple pie for Byron’s birthday on Wednesday. Here’s my favorite Halloween type post from the archives. Enjoy and have a happy All Hallow’s Eve, Feast of All Saints and Feast of All Souls! 

Halloween costume companies, this post is for you. Usually, I try to stay clear of all your over priced merchandise, but lately it seems you’re on a mission to drag my family into the moral vacuum of your wares.

It started in July, freaking July, when my kids should still be excited about boardwalk food, I get one of your glossy costume catalogs in the mail, and suddenly they’ve got blood lust for sacks of candy and $89 Fortune Teller costumes. How can you make clothes of the ragged and persecuted gypsy people so glamorous and so expensive??

And then, playing on every young girls love of fairies, you’ve made everything a fairy. Butterfly? Fairy. Lollipop? Fairy? Ladybug? Fairy. Autumn leaves, stained glass and a punk devil? You slapped wings on all these things and are trying to pass them off as fairies. Knock it the hell off. Andrew Lang is rolling over in his grave.

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A bat fairy. Redundant and soul crushing.

When a flyer arrived in my mail yesterday I was not totally surprised by all the sexy costumes it was peddling. Sexy witch, sexy pirate, sexy little red riding hood, etc. What gives me a stabbing pain right behind my eyeballs and makes me weep for our country is that you are now selling sexy versions of Hello Kitty, the Disney Princesses and Minions. Minions for crying out loud. Of all that is sweet and innocent, you are taking what should properly resemble a yellow capsule and making it sexy for women. Who is buying this??? Why are women not up in arms at being offered such hideous choices?  Ladies, sweet merciful heavens, do not think you are being cute by dressing up and taking your kids trick or treating in this.

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This trash is officially licensed by Sesame Workshop.

So when this is what is sold to the adult crowd, it shouldn’t surprise me that sexier costumes for teens and tweens are now trickling down. Just in case your daughter isn’t already growing up too fast, now you can fast track her towards a life of  promiscuity by dressing her in such feminine costumes as Queen of Hearts, the Tin Man or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, none of which actually resemble said character except for the five inches of printed fabric between the chest and hip bones.

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If the challenge to look like Agent P with the least amount of fabric, I win!

And what about my son, what are his options? Thankfully, you are not marketing a Magic Mike costume at my son. He has many superheros to choose from. He can also select a variety of costumes with a nightmare inducing potential of 98.9 percent. In fact, my son asks to have pages ripped from the costume catalogue because there is too much blood and gore for him. Surely you don’t need more than 60 outfits listed in your ‘Boys Horror Costumes’ section. Why are you trying to terrify the young children who will be out trick or treating and happen to gaze upon someone wearing your ‘Zombie Sock Monkey‘ costume? Will you tuck in that sobbing child at bedtime and reassure him that he will not be awoken by the sound of his stuffed monkey eating brains?  No, that job will fall on me as will the task of persuading our family to avoid the monkey house on our next three outings to the zoo. 

So knock it off costume companies! Our country’s IQ is lowered just a bit every time you release a new sexy costume. And families, please resist the glossy pages and the urgings of your children. Unless you find the thought of them looking like this in ten years encouraging.

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Aaannnnnnddddddd….you’re both officially disowned.

Halloween Costume Companies: WTH?
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13 thoughts on “Halloween Costume Companies: WTH?

  • 09/12/2013 at 7:56 am
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    Um… yes and AMEN!!!!! And this is just one of the reasons we opt out of Halloween. Great post!!!

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  • 09/12/2013 at 8:47 am
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    Couldn’t agree more! Love this post!

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  • 09/12/2013 at 8:48 am
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    Woohoo! Loved it! Whatever happened to kids making their own costumes, as I was left to do if I expected to have anything out of the ordinary to wear on Halloween. It’s because of all this crap that you spoke so eloquently on, that we don’t take our kids to any store between the months of August and October – who wants to have to explain the zombie doctor or the barely-clad police woman costumes? On Halloween night we shuffle the kids out the door (preferably blindfolded) to an All Saints Day party and hope that there’s candy at the party – cause my husband and I know we could be stocking up if we’d just let them trick or treat like normal kids 😉

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  • 09/12/2013 at 8:54 am
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    I agree. My kids have already started the quest for their Halloween costumes and it will inevitably end in something bloody and gory. Even my pink and purple loving little 9-year-old wants a gross costume for Halloween. Missing the good old days where I could dress them up like a lion and a lady bug.

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  • 09/12/2013 at 11:18 am
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    A-freaking-men. My daughter has asked to be Wonder Woman this year. When I asked her to draw or show me what she wanted, I about keeled over dead.

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  • 09/12/2013 at 11:47 am
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    We have embraced the blood and the gore but with purpose. We have hosted, for a few years now, a martyred saints’ party on the 31st. We’ve had the best representations of martyrdom ever! And the best part is when they are asked by the people in the different houses who they are and what happened to them. Door to door evangelizing on Hallow’s Eve is great! Last year we had a St. Joan of Arc covered in charcoal and with foam flames attached to her gown, a St. Cecilia bleeding from the neck, a St. Tarsisius (spelling) with a bruised face and wounds, and a golden circle representing the Holy Eucharist on his chest, a St. Lucy with eyeballs on her hand, St. Philomena with and anchor tied to her waist and an arrow through her neck and many more. The kids have read their stories, they admire their courage, and on All Hallow’s Eve, they get to show the neighborhood who these people died for their faith. It ROCKS!

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    • 09/12/2013 at 11:49 am
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      *how these people died for their faith.

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  • 09/12/2013 at 4:21 pm
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    Wahhhht? We make our costumes. Or we borrow already loved ones from normal people. For example, Sam will be a pumpkin this year. How do I already know? Because someone handed it down to us and it fits.

    Not only are these costumes overpriced and skanky, they lack imagination. (Accepting used costumes is not unimaginative. It is resourceful, for the record ;))

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  • 09/12/2013 at 5:44 pm
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    HA…the tin man and the minions are making me laugh! Seriously, ladies? It really seems like Halloween has become more of an adult holiday in so many ways. Like Theresa, we stay far away from the Halloween displays because they are just horrific. Those images stay in my head and disturb me…I don’t want it getting in my kids’ heads for their sake not to mention preventing my own sleep deprivation when they wake us up in the middle of the night with a nightmare.
    Sad that so many parents will let their kids dress like this and accept it as a new normal.

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  • 09/13/2013 at 5:18 am
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    My brain broke at sexy minions. How can you make half a Twinkie sexy???

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