My Beauty Tips For A Less “Train Wreck” Appearance


Humor / Monday, November 26th, 2012

Just so you don’t all think I’m holding out on you, I’ve decided to spill all my beauty secrets. And look, I even created a graphic so you can pin this and easily find it later in a moment of panic. I know Grace isn’t the only  one wondering how I mange to look so good in all these blurry blog photos. How do I do it with five kids, homeschooling and everything else? Plastic surgery? Creams?  A nanny? No. Come, read onwards about my fit and active lifestyle and all its benefits.

  • Screaming tones the muscles in your face and helps smooth away laugh lines. Remember that the next time you feel guilty for chewing out your child about their handwriting/math/ science experiment that ate the cat.
  • I don’t have time to eat or drink. Dehydration is very flattering.
  • When I do eat, I eat bacon. When I drink,  I drink coffee with lots of creamer. When I really drink I like hard cider, or wine……or Jagermeister. (I’m sure Cari will rat me out if I don’t admit to this.) So basically, it’s all the good stuff you see in the four food groups/pyramid/plate/ point system.
  • Vegetables? Pfffpt….unless it’s on top of a gluten-free pizza or drenched in hot bacon dressing, it’s not necessary.
  • Fruit? Dates. They’re listed as a miracle fruit with blueberries and starfruits and stuff. Don’t look it up. Just believe me. Would my rosacea lie? Wait, don’t call it rosacea; in the summer it’s ‘sunglow’ and in the winter ‘windburn’ or say you just got back from a Mary Kay makeover. “All blush, half off, I couldn’t help myself!”
  • I’ve trained my body to “suck it in” whenever another mammal, or camera,  is present. I’d like to think all that sucking has given me rock hard abs equal to 100 crunches. Seriously, without sucking, or a really small pair of tights, I look perpetually six months pregnant. The fear of one more stranger asking me when I’m due keeps my middle at attention any time I’m out in public.
  • I don’t shower on a regular basis. I just keep all that natural goodness (sweat, dead skin, etc.) clinging to my skin as long as possible.  I like to call it “moisturizer.” If I say I use a great “leave-in conditioner” on my hair, you’ll know what I mean.
  • When it comes to photos I rely on the always faithful blurry snapshot by a child, pixellated Photo Booth shot or the never fail pasting of some other woman’s head on my body. All this time you’ve thought you were looking at me by the wood stove, jumping on the bed or wherever, when in actuality you were admiring the face of a 23-year-old mail order bride from Estonia I found on some foreign stock photo site.
  • And lastly, good genes. A youthful and attractive mom is the best thing you can get. If you don’t have one of those, I’d double your intake of bacon. Or put yourself up for adoption since I know the price of pork is on the rise.

So there you go Grace (and my other four fans). Eternal youth can be yours!

 

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13 Replies to “My Beauty Tips For A Less “Train Wreck” Appearance”

  1. Oh my goodness. I just found your blog. This is hilarious. Especially the part about looking perpetually pregnant. I’ve totally been there. I mean, I am there. Great blog! I will be back.

  2. Oh, man. Breathless from snorting and laughing over here. You just made my day. I already use 60% of your tips, though and look nowhere near as beautiful as you. Therefore, I must need: more yelling, more dates (maybe both kinds?), and less vegetables?

  3. dying. ha — really glad the screaming helps those facial muscles because …. I should be 12 by now. thank you for answering my burning question that kept me up a lot of last night.

    but seriously …. hopefully someday down the road you spill your true secret …. some weird fountain of youth terabithia style? is that even the right book? probably not. You know I was home schooled ….. right?

  4. Not Terabithia, it’s… drat. Tuck Everlasting! Got it! Good. I’m going with the bacon/screaming/no sleep beauty method myself.

  5. Love these tips. My kind of beauty advice. Something I could actually follow!!

    I actually read the “leave in conditioner” tip in a magazine once. No joke. Turns out those natural oils are really good to prevent split ends. Of course the magazine said to skip the shower one day. But I have really long hair so it takes some time for the “conditioner” to work it’s way down! 😉

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