It’s a well-known fact that to achieve your goals you have to work hard while avoiding distraction. One of the biggest distractions in this day and age is the internet. If you’ve got lofty resolutions this year (like me) but you frequently find yourself sidetracked due to Facebook, Buzzfeed and um, Catholic blogs, you might want to give this seven step program a try to help you detox…. Oh wait, a quiz to determine which lesser Jane Austen character I am!!! (C’mon Lady Stornoway!!)
I was going to make this a 12 step program, since surfing the web can be an addicting behavior, however I have a hard time following more than a few steps before I get bored and need to move on to a list of nostalgic things from the 80’s or 90’s.
Disclaimer: These statements have not been approved by any medical body, but I consulted Pinterest a lot.
1.At the top of the list is a green smoothie. Drink one. Then tell yourself that if you waste time on the internet today, you’ll have to drink a second one. Shudder. If the thought of all that spinach or kale stuck between your teeth times two doesn’t shake some sense into you, you might need to try a green smoothie colonic.
2. The internet has invaded your body with tons of toxins. You need to flush them out. You’ve taken the first step to strengthen your vital wang chung essence or whatever, now you need to soak in a tub of coconuts to help rid your body of impurities (such as the desire to ‘Like’ everything in your feed, repeatedly share Grumpy cat memes and share photos of your dinner followed by 39 hashtags.) Not coconut water, or flakes or oil. Whole coconuts. Jump in and allow someone to dump a crate of whole coconuts all over your body. That pain and bruising indicates toxins leaving your system. If you want to take it up a notch, fill in all the remaining space around the coconuts with rock salt (because I’ve heard that Himalayan Pink salt is good for stuff but it’s really expensive to buy in 50lb bags.) Try to be “mindful” as the weight of salt and coconuts constricts your breathing.
3. Now you are in a pure state. To prevent falling back into the habit of checking the internet while you’re on the toilet, we’re going to change the settings on your phone and delete apps that suck up your time. Yes, I’m talking cold turkey. If you feel this is too painful for you, turn the task over to a trusted friend who wants to help. You can also turn your phone over to your toddler who will inevitably delete all the offensive apps, plus all the useful ones and render the phone absolutely useless by resetting all your passwords and filling the charging port with peanut butter.
4. You will probably start to experience withdrawal symptoms, or the side effects of the smoothie. Try reading a book, meditation, going for a walk or art therapy to occupy your mind until the cravings subside. I find that laying out a clean sheet of paper, grabbing a freshly sharpened colored pencil and jabbing it repeatedly into my eye removes the urge to jump online and replaces it with searing pain and regret.
5. Once you’ve gone a couple of days without the satisfaction of social media telling you what to be offended at, you might think it’s okay to start allowing yourself a little time online. AND YOU WOULD BE WRONG. One slip up now, and I guarantee you’ll wake up tomorrow morning having slept only a few hours after gorging on Bored Panda, trying to convince everyone on Facebook they’re wrong and/or following hashtags on Instagram like #instabeard #hotdogsorlegs #nationaldressupyourpetday and #animalstakingbaths. (They’re all real people. I know.) Now is the true test of your resolve. Keep the colored pencils handy.
6. By now, you’re over the hump! Life is worth living and you don’t think of your day in terms of status updates. You don’t instinctively grab your phone to shoot a viral video every time your baby eats, laughs, or fills a diaper. Look at all the free time you have! Look at all the stuff you’ve done that exists in real life, not just the internet!! You might rediscover hobbies you had before Facebook ate your soul; crocheting, reading, binge watching British mini-series or not living in filth. Write down all the things you enjoy about this new way of life. With this list, now plan where it would be appropriate to use the internet or social media; sharing birthday pictures on Facebook, searching YouTube for instructional crochet videos, following your teen on Instagram for safety, re-learning how to dress for interaction with the outside world from a trendy fashion blogger. You are now in control of your internet usage! You have the power! The internet no longer counts you among its mindless sheeple!!! Toss your head back and laugh maniacally as you gain a strangle hold of the beast which holds so many of your friends in its jaws! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
7. Repeat as needed.
Let me know how you do. But before you sign off, be sure to link up below with your Seven Quick Takes. Remember to link back to this post so your readers can find the rest of the Takes. I look forward to reading your posts!