My Alleged Connections To The Edel Gathering

I mentioned it across social media on Friday, but it’s time to make it blog official, I’m not pregnant, I’m going to Edel in Austin, TX this summer! And right now, with the weather we’re having, July in Texas sounds awesome. But really I’m excited to personally meet so many wonderful people who I currently only know through a screen. I’m not good at making first impressions and I’m even worse at remembering names so I’m quite nervous about the whole thing. I keep reading stuff from other attendees about shoes and clothes and I’m all “must remember to not do that snort laugh or make puns/jokes about the food: On a scale of one to ten this burrito is beanarific and easy on the lower digestive tract!”

An honestly, I’m still in shock that I’m going. I was completely convinced it was not within our budget and was planning a trip to the beach to avoid having to get updates all weekend from people living my dream when, miraculously, after a few emails, some faxes, a signature or 49, and a pint of blood, I got a ticket! But while I can’t confirm or deny the existence of a contract between myself and the organizers of Edel, I can share with you some of what I may be up to come July 25th.

I may or may not be flying out of Philadelphia on Thursday, July 24th and making six layovers across the country while wearing this t-shirt.

I may or may not be lugging a carry on packed full of ‘Something Other Than God’ and under order to leave copies at every airport newsstand I pass. I might have the option to purchase all remaining copies for my home library.

I may or may not have gotten a new tattoo. I might sport necklines that fall no less than 8 inches below my collar-bone for the entire weekend.

And I may or may not be staying until Monday so I can joyfully provide free babysitting so certain organizers can relax after what’s sure to be a great weekend.

Other stipulations of my contract which I cannot confirm or deny might include:

• Walking around and talking about how great ‘Feast!’ is to all the attendees and offering to take them back to my room to give them samples of selected fair from Haley’s popular liturgical cookbook.
• Compiling a crack legal team to argue Simon’s residency hours in favor of Grace’s attendance.
• Getting drinks for Ana so she stays hydrated and massaging her feet at regular intervals.
• Protecting Cari and her shoes from her fans on Friday night.
• Jenny might be letting the whole Master of Ceremonies thing go to her head and is constantly emailing me her always expanding backstage rider. Demands include a glass bowl for red M&Ms only, Fiji water, an on-call masseuse and NO WIRE HANGERS for her multiple clothing changes. Heaven help us if the Omni can’t provide her with enough room temperature Snapple and “white rose petals sprinkled about liberally” for her to walk on.

I might be on call 24 hours a day from now until Edel to learn what other tasks I’ll be asked to do. I know Calah faxed me instructions on what we’ll be performing for karaoke (me on tambourine  and in a rainbow wig) at 11 p.m. a little while back and the whole deal almost fell through because I didn’t email her back confirmation within the required ten minutes. It’ll never happen again I promise!!!

However, so long as I uphold my end of my contract (if there is a contract which I cannot confirm or deny) I can also accept other sponsorship deals to help offset my flight costs. If your blog or business is interested in advertising on a hat, sundress, my bicep, or for the right price, my forehead, drop me an email and let’s see if we can work out a deal. I am no longer excepting bribes for the shoe contest. (Or am I? Email me!)

Leave a comment if I’ll see you there and let me know if you want me to approach you or stay far, far away.