An Honest Real Estate Ad

For rent: 3 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, asking (a reasonable sum of money considering we live in NJ) per month

Landlords are willing to provide as many religious statues as needed to cover exterior defects.

Cute bungalow with dark hardwoods through out; great for hiding dark pet fur, and your brunette husband’s beard trimmings. Squeaky floors will deter late night trips to the fridge and promptly wake your sleeping babes for late night feeds and changes.

Wood floors in the bedroom mean even when your child misses the puke bucket and unloads the contents of his stomach onto the floor, clean up is a breeze!


Wiring in the basement is not likely to cause a fire. New eat in kitchen added in 2012, while food stuck to the ceiling is only from 2017. Open floor plan is handicap friendly with wide doorways and the large rear deck has a ramp you are welcome to roll rain barrels down in a make shift game of Donkey Kong. Spacious mudroom contains lockers and shelves that refuse to be tidy and organized. Upstairs half bath was recently remodeled and only mildly smells of pee. Typically can be masked by teenage son’s use of body spray in the general vicinity. Toilet requires a very specific up down jiggle to complete the flush cycle or you’ll flood the basement. ¬†Bonus features include an extra room upstairs perfect for a den, office, or nursery, cathedral ceiling in the master bedroom, lots of closet space, large dining room, a toasty woodstove and an antique claw tub in the downstairs bathroom. All these things will help you overlook the numerous wheelchair inflicted chips and scrapes in the walls and molding; unless you prefer a distressed finish, in which case this house is extremely distressed.

You could spill a lot of blood on this floor and never worry about a stain or other incriminating evidence showing up.

Landlords are not responsible for children whose heads become stuck between second floor banister columns, but if you need creative discipline suggestions, we’re happy to help. Tenants are welcome to keep any Legos and Nerf darts they find in the crevices where trim should be. Washer, dryer, and duct tape to fix the wobbly dryer vent included. Large property with farmland views, yet still close to local highways, train stations, and numerous liquor stores and Dunkin Donut drive-thrus. Mention ‘Mantoan’ for our repeat customer discount. ¬†Outside there is plenty of off street parking, plus a large pole barn with workshop, chicken coops, fruit trees, and blueberry bushes. It all turns to mud in the spring, but the rest of the year is very lovely. Try your hand at homesteading on one acre of land! You will probably fail miserably, and your kids will still hate eggs and vegetables, but you can feel smug and self righteous for a while. Clothesline is perfect for the few weeks you swear by cloth diapers. Your kids will love the treehouse and swing set. Landlords are not liable for splinters of any size. Regular tetanus boosters are recommended.

The kitchen was designed with acoustics that allow the chef’s yelling to reach even the furthest corners of the house.

Dogs allowed, chickens welcome, cats are expected. (Three fixed feral cats come with the property. Feed twice a day or they will sneak into the house, drink from the toilet and poop in the basement.) Ask about our complimentary pet cemetery! View deer, fox, raccoons, and other wild life pasted on the road right outside your front door. Also- turkey buzzards. The police station is down the street: follow their Facebook page for exciting updates about drug activity in the area! Landlords pay for water and lawn care. Tenants are responsible for cable/internet, gas, electricity, and keeping the Jersey Devil out of the trash. Contact us today to schedule a viewing!

Your teen daughter won’t be able to sneak out to meet a secret beau in this house! Loud creaks and groans in the floor give a charming haunted feel to the home.


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  1. I think the yelling acoustics of a kitchen are very important. Do you have a circular floor plan so children might run through the house at top speed until someone definitely gets hurt? If so, I’m willing to consider relocating.

  2. Best home ad ever! Sounds like a great house. I would definitely consider renting this!

  3. By the time we got to the part about following the Police department’s FB page, my husband and I were in tears from laughing! If your house isn’t rented by the end of the weekend, I don’t know what’s wrong with the world.

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