Facing the holidays alone? Wondering why everyone else around you seems to have found that special someone? You’ve tried hanging at bars, going on blind dates, making an account on every online dating site and still nothing. Don’t give up! There is still hope!
Welcome to Catholic Match(maker). We go beyond the detailed questionnaires and provide a comprehensive dating service that will fast track you on the way to marriage!
Our matchmakers pour over each applicants file, intimately studying their strong points and downfalls before arranging a match.
Let’s give a listen to how this truly modern and faith focused dating, …. uh, ministry takes place!
“Tony here looks like a nice boy and it says he went to a good Catholic high school and ran track. It may have taken him six years to get his bachelors but he’s got a good job in the city. Plus he owns his own car! I think he’d be perfect for this gal Margaret.”
“No, look at his hair and he didn’t even shave for this picture! What is with the hair on these young people? I mean his chest is bald and he’s got a horrible five o’clock shadow! It’s not natural. Margaret deserves this fine fella Joseph here! Look at him, he’s a carpenter just like his namesake and says he attends St. Basil’s. I haven’t known a bad kid to come out of that parish.”
“Well, then you have selective memory loss! What about that Polish kid that tried to kiss my Nancy with tongue on the first date! St. Basil’s is all bad news.”
“If you didn’t stalk Nancy’s Facebook feed you never would have known about that anyway. And as I recall, she wasn’t complaining. ”
“It’s not stalking! It’s research to help her find a husband and I think you misunderstood the tone of her status. She’s in the rosary guild and guides the girl’s youth retreat. Frankly, I think she’d be better off in a convent.”
“Well, she terminated her account with us so things must be going well with the St. Basil’s boy.”
“I can’t believe that! She’s got no sense like her mother. I’m going to say a novena and light a candle for her.”
“Now what about Tony or Margaret? Can we make a match here for either one of them?”
“Margaret skirts are too short, her blouses too low-cut and her slacks are too tight. Our Blessed Mother weeps every time she leaves the house.”
“Gladys for pete’s sake, no one calls them “slacks” anymore. Margaret dresses like all the young ladies nowadays. She’s a good girl at heart. She calls her mother everyday and sings in the choir. Let’s pair Margaret up with Ryan and Tony up with Mary Ann.”
“I agree. We should introduce them all at the pot luck on Sunday. I’m bringing meatballs. Everyone loves meatballs. I’ll introduce them over the meatballs.”
“Everyone loves your meatballs except Father. Why not bring your sponge cake?”
“I think Tony and Mary Ann would have the better looking kids, and there’s no way Margaret could stand up to Tony’s mother. I’m going to bring my sherbert punch for the kids and I’ll slip a little brandy in Tony’s mother’s glass so she’ll be on her best behavior. Then Gladys you talk to her at the altar society meeting next Saturday morning. We can get her on board I’m sure of it. Do you remember what happened last time she set Tony up with someone?”
(The room erupts into laughter and Gladys starts hacking uncontrollably.)
Email today with the names and information of yourself or a loved one who you’d like to see meet a nice girl or good boy! Membership is donation based and is excepted in the form of Christian Brother’s Brandy, Kohl’s cash, donations to the St. Rose of Lima Altar Society, or a gift certificate to that nice restaurant downtown with the very good and reasonable early bird specials. Admittance to any future weddings and receptions is also requested. With a success rate higher than anything else we’ve looked into, you’d be foolish not to try! Hurry while there’s still time to meet that special Midnight Mass date!
Don’t need your services but if wanted to gift you a bottle of Brandy could you pick it up at Canal’s in Berlin or should I just ship to you?
I bet you would do a whole lot better than that other ‘catholic match’ service advertised online – more personal and more humorous!
This reminds me so much of the “Ask a Bubbe” tent at the local Jewish food festival. And yes, that is a real thing.
At the rate I’m going, I almost wish those little ladies would match me with someone (anyone?)!!