The latest issue of Highlights Magazine showed up at my house making BOLD promises.
Oh great, more art projects to clutter up my school room and hold onto for years out of guilt. NO THANKS HIGHLIGHTS!
I shared the photo on Instagram and the general consensus was most of us hate kids crafts. I mean sure, we love that our children have made something special for us that vaguely resembles the digestive tract of a cow, I mean, oops sorry, a caterpillar, but these items, embellished with 3D features and glitter, breed like rabbits. How many of us can no longer find the water dispenser on the fridge because it’s hidden under junior’s mural of grass? I’ll bet there’s no room in the keepsake box you have tucked in your closet because it’s filled with one stroke marker pictures from your toddler.
Let’s put an end to the madness! And no time like the present! With Mother’s Day just around the corner, there are tons of art projects in progress that are destined to enter your home and take up residence, never leaving unless you can discreetly hide them at the bottom of the trash can! We need to act now! Moms, grab your husbands or older children, bring them to the computer now!
Featuring five Mother’s Day crafts moms actually want to receive. (Seriously husbands, if any clay ashtrays or popsicle stick picture frames enter the house after this post, you’ve dropped the ball.) Put your youngsters to work on the good stuff and donate the Highlights magazine to the library!
1. The Toilet Paper Roll Craft …done right. I made a butterfly for demonstration purposes but really, who cares what it’s supposed to be, so long as it’s on a bottle of wine.
2. If you need to get on Mama’s good side, super size it with Carlo Rossi the Red Nosed Chianti.
3. The Ladybug Six Pack (Take note Highlights!!) If your child isn’t into ladybugs, take off a few pipe cleaners and call it a horse, or a dinosaur or a train. Whatever; mom’s guaranteed to be happy even if she can’t tell!
4. No mom wants burnt toast, cold eggs, hot coffee in her lap and juice spilled in her bed. Especially if she’s expected to eat it with everyone watching or better yet, while everyone stands outside the door screaming,
“No you can’t go in! This is Mama’s special day!”
“But I miss her! I LOVE YOU MAMA!! SOB”
“Go downstairs! We can have cereal. We need to keep it quiet for mama!”
“But then she’ll be so far away!” Commence banging and incoherent wailing as children are forcibly removed.
And then you get to try to “relax” with this banquet while all hell breaks loose elsewhere in the house.
Gentlemen, the proper solution. Let the kids pick a bouquet of something alive from your yard and present it to you your wife with a Dunkin Donuts gift card and bottle of Frangelico. Then kick her out the door for two hours. The hip flask is optional, but I’m pretty sure DD will give you the stink eye if you try to walk in with a whole bottle of Frangelico. …not that I’ve tried this.
5. Lastly, a coloring page loosely decorated by an enthusiastic preschooler. Meh.
Now take that same picture and use it to decorate a bottle of 12 year aged Scotch. BOOM! Just be careful with how much praise you bestow on your little artist, lest your tears of joy lead to a fresh onslaught of loosely colored Olafs.
Fathers, you know what needs done. Start focusing your child’s efforts into crafts that will really make Sunday a special day for the mom in your life. (Or grandmom! They’ve got twice as much junk shoved in their attic from you and your crafty kids!)