The gluttony of the holiday season is finally over. Even those hidden packages of clearanced Christmas candy you’d tucked at the back of the pantry are gone. Winter has set in, and hibernating under blankets, extra sweaters and piles of laundry has you feeling as attractive as a walrus. Motivation is at an all time low. Can you still be the same person who resolved on January 1st to make this the year you’d get in shape- that 2017 would be the year you’d made a real difference in your health?
Well, have no fear, I’ve started a great new multi-level marketing company that offers the solution you need to bring about the best change in your body this year! I call it the SAHM Body Program! I’m Kelly, and I’ll be your enthusiastic and overly optimistic coach! Together we’re going to work to sculpt your body into one that defiantly mutters, “I’m a stay at home mom, and I’m damn proud of how I look in my yoga pants!”
1. I’ll keep you motivated by sharing 20,495,283,598,237 uplifting posts on social media everyday about believing in yourself, and your power to achieve happiness through consuming whatever fried foods you can hide from your children! Occasionally I’ll snap a smiling selfie, so you know I’m right there with you in the trenches, starved for adult interaction and struggling to maintain a hobby outside the demands of my family! Man, I love exclamation points!!!!!!!!
2. I’ve got delicious sounding meal plans pieced together from old Martha Stewart magazines scavenged from the library trash! I’ll share them with you in our private Facebook group so we can all laugh and dream about a time when ingredients like capers, star fruit and kohlrabi won’t make our families wretch or go bad in our refrigerators behind boxes of Lunchables. Together we’ll work to form new healthy eating habits based on correct portion size! For example, however many cheese puffs you can pour in your hand in the five seconds your child’s back is turned is the proper size. If you’re following our EXTREME plan, YOUR INSTRUCTIONS WILL BE WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND REQUIRE YOU TO POUR THE CHEESE PUFFS DIRECTLY INTO YOUR MOUTH FOR MAXXXXXXIMUM EXXXXXXXTREMMMMMEEEE BENEFIT!!!! Feel the heartburn! That’s how you know it’s working! When preparing a meal, if you find yourself confused about the correct amount of healthy fats or proteins to add to your plate, just remember, it’s not about healthy fats or proteins. That’s some other program. The SAHM Body program is about consuming calories that make your mouth rejoice like angels around the throne of God. Just cram as much of that goodness in your mouth as you can. Stop when you’re gagging. (Automatic portion control!!)
3. As a busy SAHM myself, I know how hard it can be to consume enough of the healthy greens we need to feel good; that’s why my program makes it simple by encouraging you to drink at least one Shamrock Shake a day. If you’re behind in other vitamins or minerals, considering adding a supplement to your shake! Our tasty mix-ins are free of unnatural additives like chia seeds or goji berries, and high in alcohol, which is great for curbing afternoon cravings!!
4. No fitness program would be complete without a full arsenal of workout videos. Check out our ever-growing collection!
PieYo — An intense, interval training workout in which we will deeply explore the motions associated with covering a hot slice of apple pie with frozen yogurt.
Craziness — A hip-hop inspired workout that targets our glutes, hammies and thighs as we dance into the pantry and squat to reach that bar of dark chocolate we hid behind the potatoes. Turn up the beat and shake those hips so your kids become embarrassed and run away, ignoring the cocoa stains around your mouth.
21 Day Mix Up — The cornerstone of the SAHM program, this video will lead you from fitness novice to expert as you learn to hide in the bathroom and strengthen your core through muffled, deep sobs.
5. If you’re feeling especially sluggish and unmotivated after all the holiday bingeing, why not jumpstart your success with a juice cleanse?? I mean sure, there are lots of sensible reasons, but ignore them and instead try our patented 7 day detox. We will infect your children with a stomach bug which will in turn purge your system of all unwanted toxins. Lay on the couch with your children, drinking up the Netflix and BRAT diet knowing you’re getting closer to a body most SAHM’s can only dream about… if they’re able to actually sleep.
6. I love helping others discover their best self (the one that’s there hiding under all the stains and graham cracker crumbs) ! But better yet, is helping you help others and in turn those others helping others who help others by helping others!! I know it sounds complicated, and somewhat dangerous, but if you’re looking for a side business that will not require you to wash your hair or force you to make small talk with strangers, look no further than SAHM Body! A simple blood pact and your a member of my team for life.
7. A typical success story:
Before discovering the SAHM Body program, I used to lay around the house overwhelmed with the needs of my home and family. My self-worth was in the toilet and I frequently allowed my children copious amounts of screen time and Cheetos because anything more seemed like a lie. Clearly, I wasn’t cut out for motherhood, and I through my tears I searched online for Chinese pharmaceuticals that I hoped could help my children age faster. But then one of Kelly’s perky meme’s on Facebook caught my eye. It was a kitten telling me to “Eat that donut with purpose!”, and from that moment on, I had a renewed purpose. I’m up to two Shamrock shakes a day, I’ve already finished my first 21 Day Mix Up and my friends can’t stop making comments! ‘Betty, are you sure you’re feeling all right?’ ‘Betty, I saw you on ‘People of Walmart’!’ ‘Betty, I hardly recognized you in that…what are you wearing?’ ‘Mommy, thank you for letting me go without pants again today!’ I feel good and look even better! Thank you SAHM Body!!
Isn’t it time that you made the commitment to look and feel your best? Make 2017 the year you achieve the SAHM body you’ve always wanted!
In related news, it’s Friday! Link up your Quick Takes below. Be sure to include a link back to this post so your readers can find the rest of the Takes (and embark on a life changing journey to better health). I look forward to reading your posts!
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