I’ve been keeping a big secret from you, but it’s time to let the cat out of the bag! My book parody is finished!
Read what critics are saying!
“I don’t know who this Kelly lady is that keeps emailing me about her book. I finally had to block her IP address.” –Elizabeth Scalia, The Anchoress, Author of Strange Gods
“It would take a miracle for me to finish this book, and trust me, I know a miracle when I see one.” –Bonnie Engstrom, A Knotted Life
“I think people would prefer to read my book “A Little Book About Confession For Children”. BUY MY BOOK!” –Kendra Tierney, Catholic All Year
“Who are you, and what are you putting on my shelf in the middle of the night? Get out of my house before I call the police. And no, I won’t do a giveaway.” – Brandon Vogt
“Just because you put a Flannery O’Connor book jacket on it, doesn’t mean you’ll fool me into reading this.” –Haley Stewart, Carrots for Michaelmas, Author of ‘Feast’
“We’ll see you in court.” –Jim Gaffigan’s lawyer
Desperate for more? How about a few excerpts?
“And what about lousy microwavable food? I’ve been resorting to shaped chicken nuggets lately. They’re quick easy and what kids doesn’t like the thought of eating dinosaurs mildly flavored like poultry? However, upon examining the ingredients one day, something seemed vaguely familiar. I went to the mudroom and pulled out the bag of cat food, and what do you know, it was the same list of ingredients. Now I’m wondering if I could save time and money by pouring each of my kids a bowl of Iams each day.”
“I have a soft spot for dingy, small town diners. Typically, they’re one of the few places we can walk into with five kids and not worry about making a scene or a mess because these dimly lit eateries are already loud, crowded and the patterned carpet is actually just a layer of crumbs and spills. The kids are always thrilled when desert is included with their meals, even if it’s only a blob of vanilla ice cream or dish of pudding with a thick chewy skin. My biggest problem when we leave is the large bowl of unwrapped mints placed next to the cash register. Instinctively, all five reach in there with their pudding paws or ketchup fingers and dig out at least two mints which they stuff in their cheeks like squirrels. I cringe when I think of the next person who decides to grab a mint but also gag inwardly at the thought of who else has been putting their mitts amongst the mints. Inevitably, a stomach bug breaks out in our house within the week. Greasy diner food or peppermint flavored botulism from the communal candy bowl? I know where I’d place my bet. ”
“The key to getting a decent amount of sleep with a large number of kids is owning a king sized bed. We don’t have space in our bedroom for much else, but I’ll never consider downsizing. It’s the only size that will comfortably sleep at least three people, and since having kids, we’ve spent the majority of our nights sharing the bed. Frankly, it’s amazing we even have five kids given how little time we get to sleep alone together. Now that our youngest is three, our biggest enemy is the childhood nightmare which will require at least half a nights shared bed space before the child can be returned to their own room. And on the nights we’re child free, the cat has now decided to move in. My husband isn’t standing for it and will toss the cat outside if it encroaches on Tony’s side. Me? I usually give the cat space at the end of my side because frankly, any less than three mammals in the bed feels empty. Also, the kids hate the cat so when given a choice between cozying up next to me and Mr. Whiskas or facing monsters alone in their room, they’ll typically hunker down under their covers. And since the cat elbows and kicks me a whole lot less than the typical 8-year-old, it’s a win win.”
Want a signed copy? I’ll be doing meet and greets outside Barnes and Nobles across the country, but arrive early as they will typically try to arrest me for trespassing after about 45 minutes. And for the record, offering a police officer a copy of your book while he’s pepper spraying you does NOTHING. (For bargain hunters, I also have one copy of ‘Mom Is Mad’ that smells like hot peppers that I’m selling for half price.) Limited edition hardback copies are $19.95 are available now! Just email me or leave a comment with your address. Remember, Easter is coming and nothing says “Jesus Christ is Risen Today!” like a copy of ‘Mom Is Mad’. Order within the next 24 hours and get three copies free with your purchase! Act quickly as supplies are limited!
Oh my goodness! So funny!
You are hilarious. And I would totally read any book written by you – parody or not!
I could have written your bed section. Sounds like my house!
And, I think you really SHOULD write a book. If the parady is this funny, the book itself would be a scream.
Teeheehee. Thanks for the Monday morning chuckle!
Haha, I’d totally buy that 🙂
Haha, my birthday is coming up and yesterday my hubby and I were discussing where we wanted to go out to eat on our kid free date. My 13 yr. old son asked and Doug said “mom wants to go someplace nice” and he immediately recommended “the diner” down the road, which according to him have the best hamburgers. It is also exactly the type of eating establishment mentioned in your book! “Nice” means something different to a 13 year old…
::laughs loudly:: ::wakes up unsuspecting snoring dog::
I’d read this and buy copies to hand out to strangers.
I would totally distract security so they don’t escort you out.
Wonderful. I always enjoy reading your blog, so your book parody would be a great read as well. Thanks for the laughs.
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