Like most bloggers, I’m an Amazon affiliate. This time of year, we all appreciate when our readers click-through the Amazon links and ads and make a purchase. We get a very small percentage of that transaction, and after lots of such shoppers, we get paid. I use Amazon for many medical items; bulk Miralax, exam gloves, under pads, plastic urinals: all the glamorous stuff I either can’t find at Target or would prefer to not put on the conveyor belt. To those readers who’ve made purchases, through my site and helped offset those expenses; THANK YOU. I hope you are enjoying your Jolly Ranchers, pencil sharpener and Medical Transcription CDROM set.
But now, I have a special post for all my high rolling readers who’ve yet to complete their holiday shopping. Let me present my exclusive, high-end Christmas Gift Guide, full of Amazon’s choicest offerings that is sure to please even the most discerning recipient on your list.
A six-pack of craft brew is nice….for a commoner. If your husband deserves the royal treatment, why not get him a top of the line beer dispenser and cooler for his man cave. You may never have to fake phase two again. $6,199
Perlick Built In Refrigerator And Beer Dispenser With Stainless Glass Door, Solid Stainless Door, And 3 Taps
Now that’s he’s retired, has your father taken up fly fishing? Pick up a rod and reel that’s sure to please regardless of the catch he brings home. (It will also remind you of Brad Pitt in ‘A River Runs Through It’ which is nice too.) $1,199
Red Truck Diesel ” Steelhead Spey ” 7 Wt Fly Fishing Outfit – Ready to Fish (Left Hand) (Right hand available too!)
If you need a small stocking stuffer, why not consider a new shaving brush to help your man lather up the old-fashioned way? The $125 price tag comes with a cruelty free guarantee, meaning this bristle was harvested from animals raised on nothing but caviar and love.
When it comes to watching hilarious videos of cats on YouTube, your loved one shouldn’t be subjected to sub-par sound quality.Render those meows and lip dubs crystal clear for $990.
Bang & Olufsen BeoLab 4 PC Computer Loudspeakers (Black)
Gentlemen, candy colored iPhones are for children. Treat your woman to this diamond encrusted iPhone and be assured she won’t be wearing yoga pants when you get home for at least a week. $12,000
DIMA “Clarity” Real Diamonds & Titanium New Apple iPhone 5 32GB – White/silver color Iphone5
Ladies, if you feel the need for an all natural lifting serum derived from a rare species of Swiss apple, look no further! In a market saturated with rare apple beauty products, this is the product you’ll be dropping hints for. $355
Clark’s Botanicals Cellular Lifting Serum, 1 fl. oz.
Husbands, if you want your wife to take her blog to the next level, she needs a camera designed with the mommy blogger in mind. This Nikon not only takes pictures, but shoots HD video. Don’t worry, there’s all sorts of tutorials on Pinterest to help her figure out how to use it. $5,996
Nikon D4 16.2 MP CMOS FX Digital SLR with Full 1080p HD Video (Body Only)
Don’t forget the lens! She’ll look like she should be wearing press credentials! $2396
Nikon 70-200mm f/2.8G ED VR II AF-S Nikkor Zoom Lens For Nikon Digital SLR Cameras
She might still show up late to co-op, but at least she’ll look good and take the attention away from her stained denim jumper and ratty cardigan with a new watch. And bonus: it shows the moons phases! Now she can fill in for the parent teaching astronomy. $27,658
Armand Nicolet Women’s 7151V-NN-P915NR8 M03 Classic Automatic Gold with Diamonds Watch
Every woman needs a good pair of boots. Save your wife the work of spearheading a social media campaign to get a pair and put these studded beauties under the tree. $1,890
Old Gringo Women’s Diego Crystal Boot
For the home:
K-Cups are nice, until you have more than one person over and everyone wants coffee after dinner. If your butler is on vacation, why not whip up a bevy of drinks in no time with this three cup espresso machine? $16,772
Nuova Simonelli Aurelia Ii Digital 3 Group Espresso Machine
Make an addition to your library that will make the Smithsonian jealous. LeFevre’s book about something (History of Troy? I haven’t taken French since college.), printed in 1473, can be yours for $990,000.
recueil des histoires de troyes
To bring the drive-in move theater experience to your living room, you’ll need this 85 inch HD TV. $39,997
Samsung UN85S9 85-Inch 4K Ultra HD 120Hz 3D Smart LED TV
For the kids:
Did you miss out on the Sing a Ma Jigs craze that hit last Christmas? Is you kid still feeling slighted because Santa “forgot” to bring one. Don’t worry! You can still purchase one and restore your child’s faith in humanity. $1,798
Mattel-Fisher Price The Sing-A-Ma-Jigs Soft Toy- Violet
And if your child is tired of American super heroes, why not import this Japanese character to either delight (or terrify) him? $3,297
Super Real Heroes Vol.1 – Kamen Rider Faiz
Because you can’t go wrong with a life-sized polar bear. $6,540
Your aspiring movie director will squeal with delight at this 3D video camera. His Lego stop motion videos will burst right off the screen and satiate your child’s appetite to see the Hobbit fifty times in the theater. It’s also slightly cheaper than renting Peter Jackson himself for a day. $12,300
I hear the collective sigh of relief you all uttered from the interior of your self-driving KITT cars, and you’re welcome. It’s tough being filthy rich; I know the options are overwhelming and while it was tough to narrow it down, rest assured the hard work is done. All you need to do is click-through and make your expensive…I mean, exclusive purchases. Merry Christmas!
This was absolutely hilarious. Just as soon as I win the lottery, the first thing I’m going to buy is a life-sized polar bear for only 6,540…and don’t worry, I’ll be sure to go through YOUR affiliate link when I do so.
Ok, I got all of these. Now what do you suggest for stocking stuffers?
This was hilarious. I love the Cari reference. Rest assured, THIS is the gift guide that will get passed on to my husband for any last minute gifts he was wanting to buy me.
I am afraid of that polar bear.
Okay, admittedly the best part of this post for me was the revelation that I can buy Miralax on Amazon! We have to use it for my son’s Hirschsprung’s and why have I never thought to buy it online????
Second best? Terrifying fly man.
I know it’s meant to be funny, but this is your most terrifying blog post ever. These things exist. And people buy them. I could feed my family for a year or more on what is spent for one of these items and it’s slightly devastating to me that we live in a world that markets such nonsense. Sorry. Buzzkill.
But Kori, if someone buys one of these ridiculous items through my site, it will feed my family…if just for a week. Let the crazy people spend their money!!!!
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