My Kitchen Rules: 23 Tips for Insane Eating

Yesterday, Emily at The Catholic Table posted a thoughtful piece entitled  ‘Kitchen Rules; 23 Tips for Sane Eating’. Much of it sounded like good ol’ common sense, and frankly, quite boring. I mean, if you like predictability, routine and proper digestion I guess you’d fawn all over it. But not me! I love adventure, excitement, and the occasional TUMS and lower GI inflammation! If you like walking on the culinary wild side, perhaps you’ll prefer to follow my Kitchen Rules, guaranteed to always leave you guessing and with only a slightly chalky after-taste in your mouth.

1. Believe all advertising. How do you know it’s not magically delicious?
2.Shamrock Shakes may make the baby’s diaper green but that’s just part of the luck of the Irish.
3.Believe that the FDA and the USDA has our best interests at heart.
4.If it tastes good, all the happy dancing you do burns off all the calories.
5.Just let your kid eat all the damn macaroni and cheese he wants.
6.If I can’t buy it at my neighborhood chain grocery store, it can’t be that good.
7.Gardening is hard work and your kids still won’t eat their veggies. Just give them a multivitamin. It’s the same thing. Those things just “grow” in laboratories rather than God’s green Earth.
8.If Red #40 is so horrible, why is it in all the best drinks? Part of childhood, or your mid-thirties, is having a temporary Kool Aid mustache.
9.Why does everyone want to read “banned books” but if a food is banned by say, all of Europe, all these health nuts get their panties in a bunch and won’t touch it? Where’s your sense of adventure now?
10.Family meal time in a car counts, and if you go through the drive thru, who’s gonna know if one of those Happy Meals is for you? My Little Pony toys?! SQEEEEEEEE!
11.If they won’t try one bite of the vegetables, start cutting locks off their favorite dolls hair, or casually toss pieces of a Lego mini-figure into a fire.
12. Always eat when you’re stressed because then you can focus on the guilt of eating rather than the actual problem which you probably can’t fix anyway.
13.Break bread with friends frequently; those long loaves of french bread you can get at a bakery are perfect for practicing karate chops.
14.Always loudly announce your allergies at the last-minute, then snub any food that you can’t eat. It means you’re special.
15.If you eat until you throw up, remember how many cookies, gallons of ice cream, candy bars, etc you had, then just eat one less next time.
16.If you can’t read an ingredient, it just means you’re stupid. Work on your English skills until ‘Diosodium Guanylate’ just rolls off the tongue.
17.It’s a scientific fact that your body has a RESTING metabolic rate, meaning even as you’re sitting on the couch, your body is still burning some calories. Every movement in addition to that, is bonus. Always reward your extra exertion with ice cream.
18.If you’re not sure if you’re hungry, eat anyway, cause you don’t want to be hungry later.
19.You can totally encourage your children to eat healthy while you subsist on pizza rolls.
20.How you consume alcohol will determine your children’s view on alcohol, enjoy responsibly, but that being said, shouldn’t they learn to mix a Tom Collins from you (or for you) rather than some seedy college friend?
21.What are all the celebrities eating these days? Don’t be a loser; find out and eat it!
22. St. John the Baptist ate locusts. You’re a horrible Catholic if you don’t eat one yourself at some point.
23.Never, ever, listen to your gut. That’s how you wound up with hives that one time and lost in a bad part of town on another occasion. Follow your nose, it always knows, and you can’t go wrong with Fruit Loops…ever.

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