Parenting Advice 17 Years in the Making

I’m just an average parent with five children, but I feel overly qualified to offer you parenting advice. A few friends agreed and asked me their most pressing questions. Here’s what they, and any parent fresh out of boxed wine, should do.

I would LOVE advice on how to convince children (7 year old girls if we’re getting specific) that they can use more than one portion of one side of each page in a notebook before tearing it out and discarding it.

In our house, notebooks are cursed. If you don’t use the full page of a notebook before tearing it out, it magically winds up in your bed and you wake up to an unhappy frowny face written in red, washable marker on the remaining space…which means half of the unhappy, cursed face is probably smeared on you and your favorite stuffed animal heightening the terror. Don’t want to wake up to demon paper?? Use the whole dang page!

At what age do children start putting themselves to bed? Does it ever happen?

At what age do you feel comfortable using tranquilizer darts? Most darts can be used on children 25lbs or larger. If you’re dealing with a smaller child, dipping a couple thumb tacks in Benadryl and leaving them amongst a pile of toys will usually result in a prick that will slow the child down considerably making them less likely to thrash about in their bed. Most will become resigned to their fate significantly faster if you lace their blankie with chloroform.

Why do colleges have to have so much power over our lives? What’s their plot? Just make money? Control our lives forever? Why does applying for college feel like one of the worst things ever? Do you recommend we start filling out college stuff in 6th grade??

I’ve found it’s best to avoid the reality that your children are growing up and will need to provide for themselves at some point. I tried assisting my oldest with college searches but we both became frazzled. Instead, I’ve decided to start again at the beginning! Next fall will be her first year of Kindergarten! It’s so exciting! I’m looking forward to finger painting, helping her learn the alphabet, and finally making that nature journal habit stick! I can right all my wrongs and be the perfect homeschooling teacher she deserves! It guarantees me 13 more years to shelter my daughter and avoid reality.

 Is it possible for a baby to crawl back into my womb or is my clingy child trying in vain?

Clearly your child has too much time on his or her hands. It’s not too soon to put your baby to work doing something useful like bathing the dog, meal planning, or mixing you a cocktail. I’ve found that babies love the bright, colorful labels of most liquor bottles and will move them around with ease and respect. Purchase any plastic toy cocktail set on Amazon and let her start by making you a simple dry martini. In no time, she’ll be clapping her hands and squealing with delight at the thought of mixing you a Cosmopolitan. Everyone is happier with a bartender baby in the house!

Why does my child suddenly feel the need to have a 30-minute bowel movement when it’s time for him to wash the dishes every night?

Your child developed this habit because his psychological need to be understood and accepted as a magical beetle who straddles two dimensions was not accepted by you and/ or your spouse. Now he feels the need to purge himself physically when confronted with a daunting task or chore. Ask yourself if you could learn to love their child as they truly are, and have clean dishes (possibly in this dimension and another), or assign this job to another child.

Now it’s time for some regular takes. Link up below and be sure to include a link back to this post so your readers can find this stellar advise and up their own parenting game. I look forward to reading your posts!

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1 comment

  • jen has written:

    Shouldn’t that be chloroform on the blankie instead of chlorophyll? Otherwise, the child might turn green with envy.

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