Quarantine Advice You Didn’t Know You NeededHumor
Welcome to Fritunesursday! The new day of Quick Takes which goes live at infinite o’clock! In between the frequent exasperation and gnashing of teeth, which is either giving me wrinkles or toning my facial muscles, I took a look at what was working during our days stuck at home and compiled a list of quarantine advice you didn’t even know you needed!!
1.How to work from home– When all else fails, Tony and I have found we can get work done by climbing into a narrow crawl space in our attic and packing our ears with the loose insulation. Even the pain and discomfort of the insulation is less irritating than writing, or participating in a meeting, while two or more children loudly argue about who gets the last two chicken tenders in the house. It helps to hide all sharp(ie) objects while you’re tucked away somewhere dark and cramped, and also lace the milk with Ny-Quill.
2.How to save money on food– We’re finding that by setting small traps in the yard, we’re able to supplement our food budget with a steady stream of mice, squirrels, and rabbits. Every time we prep one for dinner, Byron get’s extra credit for his high school biology class. Bonus- the pets are eating fresh entrails and their coats have never looked shiner!
3. How to go to the store– For the few items I still need at the store, I’ve got my trusty homemade mask of course. It’s a bit different from most in that I’m recycling my son’s AT-ST Halloween costume from a few years back. People definitely give me plenty of space, and those that still insist on getting closer than necessary will get a laser blast from the front gun. Don’t ask me how….just send me $29.95 for the plans if you’re interested.
4.How to entertain kids without screens– Okay so, I don’t really have a trick for this, I just bought them all those special blue light blocking glasses so that staring into a screen for a really long time doesn’t mutate their brains. And by “bought” I mean I dug out several old pairs of sunglasses and scribbled over the lens with blue Sharpie. Same thing right? Also, I duct taped the glasses to the kids heads one night while they were all sleeping so none of them know they’re wearing them. They just think COVID-19 has made the world a really dark place.
5.How to educate your kids– We’ve covered loads of wonderful content while the kids have been quarantined! I achieve this by placing small speakers next to all their beds at night and playing hours of old books from Libravox. Science, literature, history, economic theory- the titles are endless! It only backfired once when an old Stephen King audio book of Tony’s got slipped into the mix, but thankfully we worked through that with teletherapy within the first four weeks of quarantine.
6.How to keep you hair looking good and find the desire to not live in squalor– Buzz cuts all around! You get a buzz cut, and you get a buzz cut, and YOU GET A BUZZ CUT! We’re saving so much on shampoo and the shower drain isn’t clogged anymore. Plus having the same hairdo as the rest of the family really forces one to take risks with fashion so you can express yourself and shake off the feeling of living in an apocalyptic cult.
7.How to participate in video calls like a boss – Some people have jazzed up their Zoom calls by adding custom backgrounds. I find I can really garner attention by sticking a piece of duct tape over my mouth and taking the call in the closet. I position a small flashlight under my chin and usually by gesturing wildly I can either bring the meeting to a close quickly, or in the case of Teddy’s weekly story time with his teacher, get him excused no problem!
What advice would you add? Write it down then link it up below. Be sure to include a link back to this post so your readers know where to order the plans for fully-operational personal sized AT-ST mask. I look forward to reading your posts!
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