Seven Steps to Miraculous Bone BrothHumor
Y’all know I like to be on the cutting edge of food trends. Whatever the cool people are eating, drinking or using as an enema – I am all about it! That’s why when I noticed all the recipes popping up on Pinterest and Facebook for bone broth, I knew I had to learn more or risk becoming a social outcast.
Forget avocados, kale, 189 percent dark cacao bars, or kombucha, bone broth is truly the most important food group, most definitely not a trend, and based on information from its band of zealous followers, bone broth is destined to reverse the health trends of a nation! Bring bone broth your weak and tired masses yearning to be free of toxins and polymultiunsaturated fats! Plus it will make your house smell like hot meat!
So here are my tips to creating authentic bone broth and why you should probably stop making sensory rice bins, homemade slime, and macrame, and convert your craft space into a second kitchen dedicated to the creation of this life changing elixir. Plus, please shop my Amazon affiliate link for a cute thermos so you can take that hot and smelly meat juice wherever you go – you’re guaranteed to be the life of the party. Maybe sneak a little into the punch bowl to really take things up a notch!
1. You need bones for bone broth. If you are squeamish about handling animal bones, consider grave robbing or making a vegan version using Bonz candy. Our grocery budget is tight, so when making bone broth, I use whatever bones we have on hand; chicken, turkey, beef, pork or even dissection lab leftovers. (Thank goodness Addie is taking biology this year! The freezer will be fully stocked in no time!) Also, you might be able to find some helpful Santeria priests in the Yellow Pages.
2. You’ll need to put your bones in a large pot. I know using a crock pot or Instapot is all the rage but I prefer a large black kettle resting on the coals of a large fire. If you are not prepared to spend 36 hours endlessly stoking a fickle fire and continually stirring a pot of broth (cackling optional), I question how committed you are to the creation of REAL bone broth and not a weak imitation that will bring shame upon your home and family for six generations. (Still not interested in making the real deal? F.I.N.E. Hipsters are making an acceptable artisanal bison sipping broth just for you.)
3. Hopefully you’ve been collecting morning dew for the last six months along with the tears of your newborn babe. You’ll need this liquid to cover the bones, but don’t add too much liquid; you want to be able to see the bones peeking out at intervals to remind you that life is fleeting and that you could die at any moment. #momentomorikitchen
4. Herbs and seasoning for your bone broth can be collected under a full moon with the help of a gnome. Don’t forget to go bare foot so you can properly ground yourself to the Earth’s energy fields (which I like to think of as ‘mantle flatulence’). Herbs from the grocery store will not infuse the broth with enough natural essence and positive vibes, leading to bone broth with low self esteem and/or an existential crisis.
5. Now bring the bones, seasonings, and liquid to a boil. Reduce the heat and then simmer until you feel faint from hunger and your bladder is about to burst. If you deny yourself water during the simmering process, you’ll find the additional cooking time really adds a robust depth to your broth.
6. Now the broth is done! You can separate the broth with the use of a fine mesh strainer however I prefer to pick out the bits of bone with my hands while offering up the excruciating pain for the souls in purgatory. So when you try a cup of my broth, know that you’re enjoying not just vital nutrients and collagen, but also the first two layers of my skin. #brothforsouls #littlethingswithjoy #painfordays
7. If, and only if, you’ve followed to the letter all these important steps will you enjoy all the benefits of bone broth which include improved gut health (I think it fills in all the holes in a leaky gut somehow), healthy hair, and a shiny new liver! Plus anecdotal evidence includes improved mother daughter relationships, reduced back hair, and an increase in overall bootyliciousness. All that additional gelatin be makin’ yo’ haters jelly!
Seriously though, the bone broth craze amazes me. It’s just making stock. Every time our family makes chicken or turkey we boil the carcas for broth. I didn’t even know I was being a trendsetter! Making bone broth is just what thrifty people to make assembling soup easier right? How did anyone figure out that bone broth did more than save people a trip to the grocery story to buy bouillon cubes? But just to be sure I’m not missing out on something, I’m currently soaking in bone broth at night before bed to slow down the aging process. I’ll let you know how it goes! The only change I’ve noticed so far is that I often wake up to the dog gnawing on my leg in the middle of the night. Pretty sure bone broth will take care of those scars though.
Drop a bone broth recipe, or miracle story, in the comments below then link up your post. Remember to include a link back to this post so your readers can find the rest of the Quick Takes. I look forward to reading your posts…with a steamy thermos of meat juice!
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