Spiritbit, The Spiritual Fitness Tracker

Still shopping for Christmas gifts? Wondering what to get for those people in your lives who seem to already have it all?

Now available is the Spiritbit spiritual health monitor! You’ve already got something strapped to your wrist to monitor your heart rate, time asleep, and activity level; why not apply the same level of vigilance to your spiritual well-being and ultimately your eternal soul!?

You’ve carved out the time for a chiseled six-pack, but how attractive is your soul these days? Clean and grace filled, or more gross and disgusting that whatever it was that you drank for your most recent cleanse?

If you haven’t been to confession in months, your soul looks like this smoothie…complete with collard greens.

The Spiritbit can help you or a spiritually lapsed loved one recover a soul befitting a saint. Simply strap the Spiritbit below your knee like a cincture and the monitor will measure how much pain and loss of circulation you’re offering up! As you go about your day, the Spiritbit will continually track your movements and encourage you on the path to holiness.

Try to enter a pew without genuflecting? The Spiritbit will give you a mild electric shock to quickly drop you to your knees as a reminder.

Ushers will be on hand to help navigate you back into your pew should you have difficulty standing back up.

Are you in the habit of forgetting your prayers? No more! The Spiritbit’s foghorn alarm will automatically notify you of when to pray your Morning Offering, Angelus, Vespers and 14 other daily prayers.

Up and at ’em! Time for Matins!!!

With patented Penance technology, the Spiritbit tracks how frequently you attend confession and it’s designed to heat up gradually after a period of two months to remind you of your duty to avoid eternal hellfire!

Right now, this guy’s wishing he didn’t wait so long to get to confession.

Whoops! Did you go an commit a mortal sin? Don’t worry! The Spiritbit’s built in LED light will blink a bright neon red, visible through all fabrics, and emit a high-pitched alarm to make sure no priest gives you Communion unworthily.

During Lent and other periods of fasting the Spiritbit carefully monitors your caloric intake to insure nothing more than bread and water passes your lips. By linking up your Spiritbit to the free tracking app on your smartphone, you allow Spiritbit to delete other applications or cherished pictures from your device or the Cloud if snacking or indulgent foods are introduced into your system.

I detected your ingesting three chocolate morsels from the floor of the pantry.


What do you have to lose accept guilt, and eternal pain and suffering? But two or more and receive the satisfaction that comes with interfering in the lives of your loved ones! Supply is limited so act now!


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