Actually, if something is burning, go get an antibiotic, or a fire extinguisher.
Thanks to everyone who read, shared and commented on this week’s posts. Since I’m now a self-proclaimed parenting expert (Dr. Kelly at your service!), I took to Facebook to see what other problems I could solve for my friends and readers.
1. Why is everything sticky?
The sweet, innocence breath of children condenses into honey when it touches a solid surface. Children then pick up this sticky breath dew with their hands and joyfully spread it through the house with their hands, feet and hair. Breath dew is resistant to most cleaners and can only be thoroughly removed by attacking it with a solvent derived from the lying breath of an officially recognized heretic.
2. Why will kids eat food off the floor, crayons, play dough, pet food, or gnaw on the coffee table but not joyfully consume a home cooked meal, a sandwich cut in squares not triangles, or mashed potatoes that have touched peas?
Instinctually, a child believes everything you offer them is evil, while everything they can gather for themselves is safe. This is a hold over from the days when witches roamed the countryside and lured stray children back to their cottages by offering them tempting meals, with the intent to fatten them up and eat them. Until your child learns that you are not a witch who is trying to eat them, they will resist your efforts to provide them with nourishment.
3. Why do kids always need you when you’re in the bathroom?
The urgency you display in running to the bathroom at the last-minute to relieve yourself or indulge in a quarterly shower, incites panic in your children, thus their need to check on your safety. In the future, stroll or skip to the bathroom while singing Disney tunes to allay any distress your children might feel during your prolonged absence of 57 seconds. You can also loudly sing fun pop tunes, (I prefer Jackson 5) while using the facilities to keep spirits high and drown out any knocking.
4. Can you determine who peed on the toilet seat without a DNA test?
Most children leave a splatter patter unique to them, like a fingerprint, that you can use to identify the culprit. By slipping radioactive material in their Tang, you can use a black light and Geiger counter to familiarize yourself with each child’s distinct display before taking disciplinary measures. “Sorry Bobby, but the intricate swirl pattern and double drip is a clear indicator that you last used this bathroom. Grab a Clorox wipe and start cleaning!”
5. How much can you screw up without causing irreparable damage to your children?
The maximum screw up threshold is 2,343,091 occurrences of parental judgment lapse before permanent, irreversible damage is done. Scientists estimate most parents screw up approximately 20395039572039502935802395709590371045710293480293840957 times during the child’s formative years. Psychologists who treat children and adults suffering from the effects of bad parenting recommend parents go pop in another DVD or eight and just do whatever the hell they like because an army of well-trained professionals are just waiting in the wings for when the time is right, cha-ching!
6. Why do kids never want to talk until: I’m on the phone, watching my favorite show, laying down, listening to my favorite song, we’re all sitting in Mass during the Consecration?
Children want your undivided attention. If you can pretend to find that story about their stuffed animal that they just restarted three times as fascinating as a Downton Abbey episode they will not find the need to butt into the moments of your life when you actually give a damn. This may require special training, as most parents do not have the willpower or stamina to maintain fake interest during a seven minute long retelling of a funny YouTube video about someone playing Minecraft. More and more community colleges are offering courses in “Acting Like You Care More Than You Do” in beginner and advanced levels. Check out if there’s one nearby for you!
7. How can I open candy wrappers in secret?
NASA is currently working on a sound proof candy wrapper. So far tests have not been successful as sticky three years olds have somehow turned up at the International Space Station asking “What are you doing?” before demanding fun-sized Snickers. We can only pray for a technological breakthrough.
I hope that makes things a bit easier for some of you. Thanks to everyone who submitted a question. Sorry I couldn’t get to them all this week. Maybe I need to make ‘Ask Dr. Kelly’ a regular feature.
How was the rest of your week? You know, the moments the kids weren’t trying to crawl under the bathroom door? Be sure to write it down and link it up below. Don’t forget to include a link back to this post so your readers can find the rest of the Quick Takes. I look forward to reading your posts!