I’m writing about the election!
No, wait come back! Things aren’t going to get all heated around here, mainly because I have the perfect solution to everyone’s presidential woes. Vote for me!
1. Queen Kelly 2016
Yup, I’m bringing back the monarchy. American style democracy has been nice, but I think we can all agree its run it’s course when the best potential leaders our two-party system can give us are these two.
So, vote for me to be your next sovereign queen! Once elected, I’ll abolish the office of president and declare myself ruler over all the lands. Hesitant? Imagine no more presidential election coverage on the news EVER AGAIN. No more Facebook feed filled with memes about Hillary’s body double or Trump’s hair. No more presidential speculation TWO YEARS before a presidential election. It will just be me, until I die, then you get one of my kids, all of whom are pretty great if I do say so myself.
2. Next, I’ll do away with Congress. You’ll still get to vote in your local and state elections but I’ll appoint one Duke or Duchess per state and I’ll regularly meet with them to decide on all the pressing national issues. (For example, the Duchess of Florida would replace Florida’s US Senators, Congressmen and Governor.) Your elected officials report to my appointed nobility, and he or she reports to me. I want to organize House of Commons type meetings where we all call each other names, boo, hiss, laugh and at the end of the day walk away friends. I get to sit in the big green chair and yell “Order!” and make witty remarks.
3. I’ll move the seat of the government to the shore. There’s a few empty casinos along the boardwalk in Atlantic City. I plan to turn those into government buildings, while still allowing the option to hold cabinet meetings on the beach (cabana meetings anyone?) Washington DC can become another state and the current government buildings (White House, Congress, etc) can become tourist attractions…or maybe bed & breakfasts. This is one of my key strategies to taking care of the national deficit. “For only $1.4 million a night, you can sleep in the Lincoln bedroom!!!” “Host your child’s birthday party in the halls of Congress for only $66,987 per child! Pony rides extra.”
4. I’ll re-write the Constitution to establish Christ as King and the Roman Catholic Church as the nation’s religion. Don’t worry Protestant friends, you can still sola scriptura all you want, but prepare to party because every major feast day is now a government holiday! Nativity of John the Baptist? Work closed. Our Lady of the Rosary? Work closed. Circumcision of the Lord? Work closed. Try to not think about your financial obligations and instead hit the streets for one of the many processions, pageants or festivals! We will celebrate our nations establishment as a new, Catholic monarchy every year on the feast of Christ the King with Eucharist processions, adoration and a whole crap load of fireworks and monastically brewed beverages.
5. We’ll still have the freedom of the press, but rather than worry about what CNN or Fox News has to say about me, I’ll just start-up my own nightly talk show where I interview really cool people, discuss current events happening across the country and globe that actually matter ( NO KARDASHIANS EVER) and take questions from people in the audience. Maybe occasionally I’ll bake something, do a movie review or compete in a lip synch battle just to mix it up. I’m sure I’ll have my share of haters, but hopefully by keeping it real every night on “Queen in Da House LIVE!” I’ll really connect with my people, and win their trust and loyalty.
Get over yourself Elizabeth. Britain had it’s chance here. Now we’re doing monarchy the Mantoan way! Which is very similar to your way, but without the funny accent, or tea time. I challenge you to a dance off! Are you Queen enough??
6. Henceforth, all military action, whether drills or deployments or whatever will be called crusades. Soldiers will have the option to carry around a threatening looking broad sword and wear a gilded sugar loaf style visored helmet.
7. Income taxes can be paid in cash, craft brew, moonshine, fancy cheese (none of that Velveta crap), bacon, or massage gift cards (if you’re a licensed masseuse. No funny business please!) My monarchy is willing to work with you, so if money is tight, just mail in what you’ve got on hand and we’ll go from there. If you’re really rich and want to make sure government programs are all properly funded you can donate above and beyond and then get the opportunity to visit me in Atlantic City. I’ll take you out for drinks, maybe hit the slots, and send you home with a signed picture as a thank you.
Can I count on your write-in vote this November?
If you are interested in being made the duke or duchess of your state, or wish to contribute bacon to my election campaign, please let me know in the comments below, then be sure to link up your own post! Don’t forget to include a link back to this post so your readers can find the rest of the Quick Takes. I look forward to reading your posts!