In about a month, the world’s greatest athletes will convene in Rio to compete in the 2016 Olympic Summer Games.
I was never much of an athlete growing up, so becoming an Olympian was never on my radar. However, as I matured, I developed a unique set of skills that prepared me to compete on an international level. This year, after much hard work and sacrifice I’ve qualified for my third Mom-lympics!
Although this event can’t be held in Rio, due to budgetary restraints, we are meeting in a nice, family-friendly subdivision outside Tulsa, Oklahoma, for a potluck, followed by events at the local YMCA.
This year I’ve trained for five events, but there’s a couple more I have previous experience with. If you didn’t make the cut this year, don’t worry! The Mom-lympics come around every four years!
Here’s some shots of me on a typical training day.
1. Toddler Dash
This is a highly competitive event, with many moms vying for a few spots. Thankfully, my intense training techniques assured me a record-setting time, and hopefully a strong lead on my competitors.
2. Tablet Discus
For all the moms sick of arguing with their tween and teens over screen time, I can’t recommend the Tablet Discus enough! I usually train by having my oldest complain to me about our screen contract, before heading out into the yard and tossing a few electronic devices around. Highly therapeutic!
3. Boxed Wine Rugby
This year the Rio Olympics will feature rugby for the first time. It’s nice that they’ve finally caught up to the Mom-lympics. Although I don’t have any pictures from our most recent training scrimmage (I might have lost my camera…the details are kind of sketchy), the rules are simple. Two teams of seven moms take to the pitch and try to take control of a box of wine and take it into the try zone for a score. The team that finishes consuming the wine, in their try zone, wins. The best part is, usually the losing team still comes away feeling pretty good about the whole experience.
4. Sunscreen Wrestling
I haven’t competed in or practiced for the wrestling event for a few years now, however, it’s always a fun sport to watch. Moms are given a tantruming three-year old in a ill-fitting swimsuit and a large, half-empty bottle of sunscreen. When the buzzer sounds, she’s expected to cover the child’s entire torso, arms, legs and face with no sunscreen entering the child’s eyes. Points are deducted for torn swimsuits, missed patches of skin, and the use of threats against the child. Mrs. Jennifer Boyton from Boise, Idaho, also known as the toddler whisperer, will be defending her world record time of 8 minutes and 23 seconds.
5. Synchronized Toddler Swim
Addie and Byron helped me take the bronze in this event back in 2004, though I had to sell that medal later on to pay for their swimming lessons. Moms enter a freezing cold pool holding a child in each arm, each outfitted with a large sunhat and a cute flotation device measuring no less than 3 feet across. The competitor must move across the shallow end of the pool to a toy that was carelessly tossed and managed to float 50 feet away. The children must always be in contact with at least 80 percent of their mother, and their faces must remain completely dry, otherwise they will erupt into sobs of terror and the Mom is disqualified.
6. Emergent Reader Endurance Challenge
This year’s newest event has been the most physically demanding for me. Moms must sit and listen to an emerging reader work their way through a book of the child’s choosing for as long as possible. So far, I can stand to listen to Teddy read Bob Books for about two minutes. I’m trying to build up endurance, but seriously when he stops to sound out ‘SAT’ for the third time on the same page, I’m done. Fingers crossed I don’t come in dead last.
7. Room Pickup Rhythmic Gymnastics
I’ve got my hopes up the highest for rhythmic gymnastics. Combing one part beauty and one part practicality, my bedroom pickup routine, set to Styx’s ‘Come Sail Away’ has gold medal written all over it. For props I’m using an old sock and dirty dress shirt, but I’ve heard rumors that other moms may be using toilet paper, pool noodles or even discarded bed sheets. Whoever can produce the cleanest room through the most breathtaking choreography will take the top spot on the podium.
While I’ve been trying to line up an endorsement deal with Wheaties, or maybe Kotex, what have you been up to? Write it down and link it up below. Be sure to include a link back to this post so your readers can find the rest of the Quick Takes. Thanks for joining in the fun! I look forward to reading your posts!
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