Sensible Online Etiquette

 

Like most folks who spend any time online, I notice that conversations can quickly get out of hand. A simple status or blog post can launch a barrage of angry comments and responses, and pull otherwise sensible people away from their families for longer than they should to argue about something that ultimately doesn’t matter.

Why is it so easy for folks to get so offended so fast and immediately go on the attack, to the detriment of relationships? What we need is some rules…some online etiquette! I decided to look back through the history books to see how those classy Victorians handled social media and share what I found with y’all in #7QT. Most of this advice came from ‘The Morals of Social Media Encyclopaedia’ 1878, and ‘A Hand-Book of Online Etiquette for Ladies’ 1861.

1. Single women should never retweet or share a post by an unfamiliar single man unless he first invites said women to become friends with his mother, father, siblings, and extended family out to third cousins twice removed. Once becoming friends, the interested couple may converse openly in a group chat with all interested family members. Ladies should wear kid gloves when typing to impart a soft, womanly touch to the words whilst remembering to highlight their housekeeping skills, ability to survive an infection, large birthing hips, and familiarity with preparing a choice selection of bland dishes suitable to a discerning palate.

2. Spinsters over the age of 25 are expected to congregate in the appropriate online groups and forums so as to not taint younger women of good breeding from finding suitable prospects. You may increase your chances of attracting a suitor by sharing statuses about your dowry, the inheritance you’ll come into once your sick, elderly father passes away, and your ability to overlook diseases picked up from common whores.

3. Married women should type whilst wearing only white gloves, under the direction and watchful eye of their husband. Should an online conversation leave you breathless and on the verge of fainting, instruct your chamber maid to loosen your corset and if that fails, mop your brow with a mercury soaked handkerchief.

4. When responding to private messages, select an dark ensemble with a short skirt skimming the ankles. Don’t forget a matching veil if in mourning. Keep conversations lively without focusing on politics, religion, or your own strongly held beliefs. Acceptable topics include the Elephant Man, Queen Victoria, the last séance you attended, and attractive death portraits you’ve noticed whilst calling on friends.

5. Memes about alcohol are never to be shared before 9 p.m. and never shared more than once a week. Spending time online whilst in the company of damp linen will increase anxiety and lead to excessive likes, replies, and shares of questionable content. However, fear of engaging with others online will also increase anxiety so remember to stay calm when perusing social media in a well ventilated room. Hold chicken feet on your lap as a preventative.

6.Make sure all profile pictures, or selfies, include a seated 3/4 view from the left side whilst seated next to a window. Avoid photos on a damp day as your skin may collect an unfortunate amount of moisture, which may be blotted with a raw potato dipped in arsenic powder. The wearing of ostentatious jewels is frowned upon in all pictures. Smiling equates madness.

7. When sharing a picture of your child, remember to avoid vivid hues and instead select ivory fabrics to accentuate your childs complexion and the dead mole you’ve no doubt strung around his neck to cure teething pain. It is not necessary to draw special attention to the dead mole. Excessive comments on the mole, whether or not its actually dead, should the child be gnawing on it, etc. can be cut from those of lower status, but a simple ‘like’ is acceptable for those of similar status. Questions from those of a higher class require a prompt reply or private message.

Well that certainly clears things up! Armed with this new knowledge, I feel certain I can happily spend my leisure time on social media with minimal consequence to my family, or my complexion!

How was your week? Write it down then link it up below! Be sure to include a link back to this post so your readers can find the rest of the Quick Takes. I look forward to reading your posts!