With five kids, it’s easy to get inundated with toys at Christmas. Without becoming a windbag bemoaning the materialism of the holidays, I’m going to just put down seven things that are not to be given as gifts to my children this year.Family members, I know you’re reading this. You can spend as much as you want to buy however many things, I’m just asking you please, please PLEASE keep these seven items out of my sight. Otherwise, be sure to get a gift receipt because they’re going right back to the store. (Like that ‘Dippin’ Dots’ machine from two years ago.)
“With my insect eyes and toothpick legs, I will encourage your daughter to become a praying mantis.”
“Grow up like me, and discover the glamorous life of selling your body to feed your crack addiction.”
“I make Barbie look like a troll.”
“Long after everyone is asleep, I’ll keep you company from my dark corner of the toy box with my chirps and coos. I’m only one step below a Chuckie doll. Wait, did I say that aloud? I mean, cooo, coooo. Me hungry…..for brains!”
3. Pooping dog game. When even your nine your old son says “We shouldn’t get this game. It encourages potty humor,” you realize just how low toys are sinking.
“Scoop my poop and we’re both wieners!”
5. Cuddleuppets. Sorry, we’re not interested in a creepy puppet / security blanket combo guaranteed to attract all the dust off my floor.
“I’m just the fad toy to bug your parents for, use for three days, then donate to your dog, if he’s not scared of me.”
6. What’s in Ned’s Head? Just because it’s plush doesn’t mean I want to touch it, especially after cleaning the real stuff off the toddler several times in one day.
“I’m also great to throw down the steps or hide in the fridge when company’s over!”
7. $70 Break dancing Mickey. What happens when a marketing team decides to smash Chicken dance Elmo and Jay Z together.
“Kids, don’t I make these moves look fun and easy? Try them on your kitchen table when mom isn’t around!”
IF YOU’RE STILL INTERESTED IN PURCHASING ANY OF THESE ITEMS, I’VE OBVIOUSLY FAILED YOU. FOR MORE CONVINCING ARGUMENTS PRESENTED WITH OR WITHOUT CAPS LOCK, BE SURE TO VISIT THE REST OF THE DRAGONS SLAYED WITH LOVE, I MEAN, QUICK TAKE CREW OVER AT CONVERSION DIARY.