{SQT} Trying To Create A Title Without Using The Word Barf Is Impossible

Nothing, NOTHING shoots down a new week, month, semester, year like a stomach bug. Upside, it’s the perfect way to lose those extra holiday pounds. The downside is how inconsiderate everyone’s digestive systems become. And as I don’t want to delve into details any more descriptive, I’ll move on with the Quick Taking.

1. Of course we decided to tear out our half bath at the same moment this bug appeared. That leaves one toilet for seven people to share, all of whom, currently, have varying degrees of control over their bodily functions. Hopefully, we can get the new toilet installed post-haste before someone forgets and tosses their cookies on the new sub-floor in a midnight rush to the second floor bath.

2. I caught the bug Wednesday despite my vigorous hand washing regime. I feel like I have the hands of a Dust Bowl era farmer for nothing. And thank you hand sanitizer for helping me find all the small cuts and cracks on my hand that I didn’t know existed while apparently missing all the germs I was attempting to destroy.

3. And now a public service announcement: Dear producers of feminine hygiene products: could you please stop packaging your individual items in brightly colored plastic wrappers? Every time my purse or diaper bag spills, the younger ones grab right for the “sanitary napkins” and ask incredulously “What’s this??”, like I’m hiding candy, snacks or carnival prizes right under their noses. If my kids ever walk into a candy store and ask for a stash of “Mommy Stuff” my death will be on your hands.

4. While lying in bed trying to relax while everyone screamed for Grandmas’s attention, I cursed the day I removed Facebook from my iPod as a means to keep me focused during the day. After refreshing my Instagram feed 20 times in five minutes, in a moment of weakness I fully attribute to the stomach bug, I reinstalled Facebook, then cursed at my social media addiction.

5. See? My whole list of resolutions is going down the toilet (rim shot) and we’re not even through January. Good thing I didn’t resolve to “get dressed in clean clothes every morning.” It’s time to ask myself, WWTHMLD? (What would triple headed monster lady do?)

6. If I was the THML I would totally just run around the neighboring development some night, shooting fire from my middle mouth, picking up small dogs in my claws and screaming….in German. (Cause doesn’t any thing screamed in German sound horrible?) That would be some stress relief, and the fresh air would help too. I could totally refocus on my efforts for the new year…after uploading rampage photos to my THML Facebook page.

7. Are you still with me?

Before quickly clicking elsewhere, let me also share that I GOT CARDED ON SUNDAY AT BUFFALO WILD WINGS!! (To learn how you too can win flattery from young waitresses hoping for large tips clicky here.)

That is all. Please continue your prayers for Jen and also Cassandra Poppe, her son Fulton and her husband Jay.


  1. I laughed through this whole thing. I am so thankful that we have two working-ish toilets (not very good flushers, if you ask our digestive systems) in our apt. I will say one might be a little unusable at the moment because I may or may not have been throwing all of the vom covered clothes in there to deal with later. I am too sick to wash them right now, I decided.

    Dust bowl hands virtual high five?

  2. #5 No worries. I haven’t even gotten around to making my resolutions yet much less breaking them so you are way ahead of me!

  3. @Bethany and @Jane; thank you! I doused the desktop with holy water too just to be pro-active.

  4. Hand sanitizer alone doesn’t work on stomach bugs. You need soap and water and then hand sanitizer. Little nursing tip.

    Hope you all feel better soon.

  5. #6: One of my seminary classmates apparently used to go to his youth group’s athletic events (and still might) and yell random things in German at the opposing team like, “I like your shoes!”

    #7: Here’s an exchange from July at my local Trader Joe’s:

    Me: *jokingly* “Thank you Favorite Employee Ever (FEE) for not carding me.”

    FEE: “No problem. You’re like 24, right?”

    Me: *hands him my ID which shows that I’m 32*

    FEE: *blushes* “Ohmigosh I’m so sorry!” *mumbles things to try and backtrack*

    Me: “No worries.” (He is still my favorite employee ever. He greets my non-verbal 3 year old before he greets me and has conversations with him. When he helps me to the car, he makes race car noises for my son when he pushes the cart.)

    I was telling one of my parishioners about it a few days later and her response was: “Did you tip him?”

    1. I’m totally going to have to try that at a sporting event, or homeschool conference, sometime in the very near future.

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