Your Child Can Attend the Catholic College of Your Dreams

Everyone is talking about the college bribing scandal, and the lengths some wealthy parents went to to secure their childrens’ admission into a few Ivy League schools. Although somewhat shocking, we need to admit that nothing is more important than enrolling our children into top schools by any means necessary. As Catholics, we know it’s technically a sin to cheat and bribe, however, there are a few ways we can “call upon tradition” to make the case that our child should be given admission to a top Catholic college. It’s the first rung on the ladder towards heaven, and missing out on a top Catholic school not only stunts our children’s spiritual growth and future earning power, but is a reflection of the poor character and sinful nature of us, their parents. On that note, here’s a few ways to grease the palm of your desired Catholic college’s admissions director…in a totally wholesome, or only slightly venial, way.

If the university is affiliated with a particular religious order, sign up one of your younger children as a brother or sister. Now, not only have you helped secure your older child’s future, you’ve off loaded some of your future homeschooling duties.

Present a papal bull that declares your child must be educated at that institution. If the school questions the autheticity of the document, let them know you secured it during an in-flight press conference with Pope Francis. (Because hey, you just never know with this guy!)

If your paper maché skills are above average consider making a first class relic (like the ark of the covenant, or maybe St. Joseph’s thigh bone) and enclosing it with the application. I like to use old coffee grounds to give an old-timey, distressed finish to my projects.

Imply that you have connections that could get someone buried under the high altar at St. Peter’s. Make sure it’s understood you are not threatening them with a mafia style hit, but that you could literally get them buried in the crypt after they’ve already died of other causes. Unless they’re looking for a mafia hit on someone else…then maybe try to work that angle.

Offer plentiful indulgences to the choir director if he or she will just recommend your child for admission, even if your child doesn’t know the first thing about Gregorian chant. Be willing to present a photoshopped image of your child as a background singer for Audrey Assad if neccesary.

Insist on taking the campus tour with a Swiss Guard escort. Make sure they bring their halberds and funny pants. Who can say no to those guys??

Make sure you have a fully stocked library of rare books and a collection of fine scotch before inviting over the head of the Theology department. He will be your willing prisoner until your child’s admission is secured.

At least, these are our strategies. I’ll let you know how it goes! Now it’s your turn. Write down your takes then link them up below. Be sure to include a link back to this post so your readers can find the rest of the Quick Takes. I look forward to reading your posts!


  1. LOL! Very funny.

    The amazing thing is that if those parents who are in the news right now were Catholic and desperate to get their kids into good Catholic schools, these are things that they might have actually stooped to doing, apparently. That’s the level of craziness we’re talking about here. Truth is stranger than fiction, as they say. (Although if they were Catholic, they might have a moral compass that would remind them that lying and cheating like that would be very sinful!)

    I like the way you write, and I’m looking forward to reading your book!

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